Understanding Attachment:

Why We Get “Too Clingy” or “Too Distant” in Relationships

Relationships don’t fall apart because two people don’t care about each other.More often, they falter because two nervous systems are trying to protect themselves in different ways.

In my counselling work at Enestee Counselling+, supporting individuals and couples across Greenfield, Holywell, Flint, Mold, Denbigh and wider North East Wales, I regularly see how attachment patterns shape communication, conflict, intimacy, and the anxiety people feel when they’re unsure where they stand.Understanding your attachment style isn’t about putting yourself in a box—it's about making sense of your reactions so you can connect more securely.

What Is Attachment?

Attachment describes the way we bond with others and how safe we feel when emotionally close.It begins in childhood, but it continues shaping adult relationships in profound ways.

There are four broad attachment styles:

• Secure – comfortable with closeness and independence.

• Anxious/Preoccupied – worries about losing the relationship; seeks reassurance.

• Avoidant/Dismissive – values independence; feels uneasy with emotional intensity.

• Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganised – wants closeness but fears it at the same time.

None of these are “faults” or “personality problems”.They are protective strategies that once kept you safe but may now make adult relationships harder.

Why Some People Feel ‘Clingy’

If you feel clingy, intense, or constantly worried about your partner’s feelings, it’s not because you’re “too much”.It usually means your nervous system has learned that connection is uncertain, so it seeks closeness to feel safe.

Common signs of anxious attachment:

• Feeling panic when you don’t get a prompt reply

• Overthinking your partner’s tone or silence

• Needing reassurance to settle

• Feeling physically unsettled when you sense distance

• Finding long separations very difficult

This isn’t weakness — it’s the nervous system in protection mode, scanning for signs of potential abandonment.

Why Others Seem ‘Too Distant’

Avoidant attachment isn’t about lack of caring.People with more avoidant patterns often learned that:

• emotions weren’t responded to consistently, or

• independence was expected early.

So as adults, closeness can feel overwhelming or “too much”.Common signs include:

• preferring space when stressed

• feeling drained by emotional conversations

• being uncomfortable with dependence — theirs or yours

• wanting connection but fearing being engulfed

• shutting down during conflict

Avoidant partners aren’t selfish; they’re trying to prevent emotional overload.

The Dance Between the Two

Anxious and avoidant styles often “lock in” together because their protective strategies trigger each other.

• The anxious partner seeks closeness →

• The avoidant partner pulls away to regulate →

• The anxious partner feels rejected and pursues harder →

• The avoidant partner withdraws further.

Nobody is wrong.Both are protecting themselves differently.

Recognising this pattern can be the turning point.

Why Long Separations Feel Especially Challenging

I often see this in clients whose partners or children go away for university, travel or extended work placements.

For anxious partners, long separations can:

• activate fear of being forgotten

• create intrusive thoughts (“What if they don’t come back the same?”)

• trigger increased reassurance-seeking

• lead to physical anxiety symptoms

For avoidant partners, long separations can:

• feel like relief from emotional pressure

• reinforce independence

• reduce communication out of self-protection

• cause guilt, which leads to even more withdrawal

Both responses are normal but easily misinterpreted.

Being physically apart makes attachment patterns louder.

How to Build a More Secure Connection

The goal isn’t to become “perfectly secure overnight”.It’s about gradually building safety, trust, and emotional steadiness.

Some approaches I use in therapy include:

1. Naming the Pattern (Not Blaming the Person)

Understanding the cycle reduces judgement and opens space for change.

2. Learning Nervous System Regulation

Techniques such as grounding, paced breathing, or somatic awareness help both partners stay within their window of tolerance so conversations don’t spiral.

3. Setting Predictable Points of Contact During Long Separations

Especially helpful during university terms or work travel:

• Scheduled calls

• Agreed text “check-ins”

• Clarity about expectations

Predictability reduces anxiety and prevents accidental withdrawal.

4. Rewriting Old Attachment Narratives

When we explore your early experiences and current triggers, we can build new patterns of relating that feel safe and sustainable.

When to Consider Therapy

If you find yourself saying things like:

• “I hate feeling like I’m too needy.”

• “I don’t know how to open up without shutting down.”

• “We argue every time we’re apart.”

• “I panic when I don’t feel connected.”

• “I love them but I need more space.”

…then this is exactly the territory where counselling helps people grow into more secure connection.

At Enestee Counselling+, I work with individuals and couples across Flintshire, North East Wales, and online to help unravel attachment patterns, calm the nervous system, and build healthier communication habits.

Final Thoughts

Attachment is not destiny. It’s a map of where you’ve been — not a limit on where you can go.

When you understand your own attachment style, you can begin to communicate more clearly, soothe your nervous system, and build relationships based on confidence rather than fear.

If you’d like support, I offer counselling sessions in

Greenfield, Holywell, Flint, Mold, Denbigh and across North East Wales.

copyright Enestee Ltd 2025 - please visit www.enestee.uk for my articles like this or to arrange a counselling session with Nigel Skinner.