The Window of Tolerance — Finding Your Calm Zone

In my last post, I talked about the fight or flight response — the body’s ancient alarm system that kicks in whenever we feel under threat.

But that’s only part of the picture.

Because stress and anxiety don’t always make us revved up and restless. Sometimes they leave us flat, numb, or completely drained.

So how do we make sense of these different reactions?

That’s where the idea of the window of tolerance comes in — and once you understand it, so much about your emotional ups and downs starts to click into place.

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

The window of tolerance is a way of describing the zone where you feel like your best self.

It’s not about being endlessly calm or stress-free (because that’s not realistic). It’s about being able to handle life’s ups and downs without feeling like you’re losing control.

When you’re inside your window, you can:

• Think clearly

• Regulate your emotions

• Make decisions

• Stay present with others

• Bounce back from challenges

When you’re outside your window, your nervous system tips into one of two extremes:

👉 Hyperarousal (fight/flight): anxious, panicky, restless, angry.👉 Hypoarousal (freeze/shutdown): numb, disconnected, spaced out, exhausted.

Neither state is “wrong” — they’re both survival responses. But they can leave us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unable to cope.

My Experience With the Window

When I first came across this idea, it was like someone had handed me a map of my own nervous system.

I could suddenly see all the times I’d been bouncing between hyperarousal and hypoarousal. One moment I’d be on edge, heart racing, unable to sit still. The next, I’d crash into exhaustion or feel completely flat.

And I hear similar stories from clients all the time. Many say things like:

• “I thought I was just lazy when I couldn’t get going.”

• “I didn’t realise snapping at people was me being outside my window.”

Understanding this framework takes away the self-blame. You’re not failing — you’re dysregulated.

Why Your Window Matters

Spending too much time outside your window of tolerance doesn’t just affect your mood. It ripples into every part of your life.

• At work → you might find it hard to focus, make decisions, or meet deadlines.

• In relationships → small disagreements can feel explosive, or you withdraw altogether.

• Physically → chronic stress can show up as headaches, stomach issues, or trouble sleeping.

• Emotionally → it can fuel cycles of anxiety, depression, or burnout.

The good news? Just like a muscle, your window of tolerance can be strengthened and widened. With awareness and practice, you can spend more time in that calmer, more balanced zone.

How Counselling Uses the Window

In counselling sessions, I often introduce this concept early on. Clients find it useful because it:

• Puts language to what they’re experiencing

• Helps them notice whether they’re in hyperarousal, hypoarousal, or within their window

• Removes judgement (“I’m weak” becomes “I’m outside my window right now”)

• Creates space to practise techniques for coming back into balance

I’ve seen people go from feeling constantly overwhelmed to recognising their patterns, applying tools, and gradually widening their window. It’s not an overnight fix — but it’s possible, and it’s powerful.

A Quick Reflection Exercise

Take a moment to think about the last week.

• When were you inside your window — feeling balanced and present?

• When were you in hyperarousal — anxious, tense, or reactive?

• When were you in hypoarousal — flat, drained, or shut down?

Just noticing these patterns is the first step towards change.

What’s Next: Spotting the Signs

Now that you know about the window of tolerance, you might be wondering: “But how do I actually know when I’m outside it?”

That’s exactly what I’ll cover in my next post — how to spot the signs of hyperarousal and hypoarousal in everyday life.

Because awareness is power. Once you can name where you are, you can start finding your way back in.

👉 Catch up on Blog Post 1: Why Do I Feel On Edge? Understanding the Fight or Flight Response

👉 Stay tuned for Blog Post 3: Am I Outside My Window of Tolerance? Signs to Watch For

Nigel Skinner | Enestee Ltd Accredited Counsellor | Specialist in Stress & Anxiety📍 Based in North Wales & Chester | Online sessions available🌐 www.enestee.uk📩